In the name of equality, I've lined up a couple of male bloggers to write guest posts while I'm away. First man to step up to the plate? David Melkevik, a scriptwriter who describes himself as a "black-belt nerd" and blogs about all things film-related here. As David always seems to have a quirky take on everything, I thought it would be interesting to get him to write a post for me. So here it is!:
I love beards. Be it the full, the chinstrap, the Donegal, the Garibaldi, the Van Dyke or the soul patch – I love them all in their furry glory. The reason why I adore facial hair so much is that it is the only weapon in a man’s fashion arsenal that can radically change their look. This explains why a criminal goes on the run they disguise themselves with a fake-beard rather than getting a new Hugo Boss suit.
If teen movies have taught me anything (In fact they’ve taught me everything – my entire knowledge of the world pretty much comes from John Hughes) is that all a female nerd has to do is ditch the ponytail, slap in some contact lenses, choose lip gloss over nasal spray, ditch their corduroy dungarees for a little black dress and voilà they’re Natalie Portman.
In contrast no male nerd can drastically altar their appearance by simply removing their glasses. Except Clark Kent. But if the nerd was to hide their chin under some fuzz – it’s goodbye geek and hello badass!
Exhibit A - Ewan McGregor
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| Stamp Collector |
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Frickin' Jedi Knight! |
That’s the cool thing about beards. They’re not just a comment on your style but your personality. You want to get the literary genius look? The full beard has got it sorted.
How about douche-bag? No probs.
Crazy-person? Bushy is best.
Wizard? Hey Presto! Long and thin - just like a magic wand.
Evil-twin? Goatee is the only choice.
Every six months I dabble with the beard. And every six months I remember why I shaved it off last time – it’s an eruption of ginger Brillo on my face. Yet the key to a sweet-looking beard is perseverance – why do you think Santa Claus only shows up once-a-year? Because it takes him 365 days to cultivate such awesome facial fuzz!
Therefore for a man to succeed with the beard it will take time and as a consequence sacrifices need to be made such as never eating soup again. Yet the toughest decision a bearded man will ever have is when their wife makes the demand “It’s either me or the beard”.
Choose the beard – because as my final piece of evidence proves once your wife sees what she’s missing she’ll come running back.
Exhibit B - Chuck Norris
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| Uzis optional but beard essential |
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LouLou says: Thanks David for your perspective on what constitutes the ultimate fashion accessory. I think we need to discuss this further!
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